Crimes of the Stupid ~ April 21, 2013



LOL!  That’s Not Funny.

SALEM, OR – A judge in Oregon noticed an unexpected glow on a juror’s chest while the courtroom lights were dimmed during video evidence in an armed-robbery trial.

The juror, it seemed, was texting.

Marion County Circuit Judge Dennis Graves cleared the courtroom and excused all jurors except 26-year-old Benjamin Kohler.

According to a news release from the Marion County Sheriff’s Office, Kohler had no explanation for his actions.

Jurors in Oregon are given explicit instructions at the outset of each trial not to use cellphones in court.

Judge Graves held Kohler in contempt and taken out of the courtroom and straight to jail.  There is no bond for contempt of court Kohler spent most of Tuesday and Wednesday in the county jail. He was released Wednesday night.

Neither the nature of the text message nor its recipient was disclosed.

Kohler did not immediately return a phone call – or a text – seeking comment Thursday.

An alternate juror took his place. Sheriff’s spokesman Don Thomson said the trial ended Thursday with the defendant found guilty.




April Showers Brings An Intruder?

A Portland Oregon Woman arrived home to find an intruder in the shower.  Not just hiding in the shower – but taking a shower.

The Portland homeowner arrived home after grocery shopping and could hear a man’s voice coming from her bathroom.  With her two giant German Shepherds by her side she called out “Who are you?!  Why are you in my house taking a shower?”

The uninvited shower guest replied, “I’m sorry”!  He could hear the homeowner’s dogs on the other side of the door.  They sounded big.  Timothy James Chapek, 25, then dialed 911 and told the emergency operator, “I just broke in to a house and the owners came home…I think they might have guns.”

The homeowner yelled into the bathroom “I’m calling the cops!”  Mr. Chapek said “I’ve already called them, they’re on the way.”

Police arrived to find the homeowner on the front porch laughing.  They arrested Mr. Chapek and charged him with Criminal Trespassing.  No word on whether he was intoxicated – but he was definitely fresh and clean.


Paul Kevin Curtis

Paul Kevin Curtis

Return To Sender

In more serious news, Mississippi man Paul Kevin Curtis is in a Big Hunk O’ Trouble.  He’s suspected of sending deadly ricin poison-laced letters to President Obama, Senator Roger Wicker (R-MS) and a Mississippi judge leaving many on Capitol Hill All Shook Up.  He signed the letters the same way he signed all of his previous written rants to the government saying “I am KC and I approve this message”.

With that, it didn’t take very long for authorities to figure out who the culprit was.  According to local police, they have long viewed Curtis as a paranoid conspiracy theorist prone to violence.  He was arrested on Wednesday night and is now singing the blues in the Lafayette County Jailhouse (Rock).

Almost as if by design, Elvis Presley was also sometimes considered a “paranoid conspiracy theorist prone to violence”.  It’s befitting that Mr. Curtis would choose to impersonate the King of Rock N Roll as his method of employment.  Coincidence?  You decide.

The Devil in Disguise, Paul Kevin Curtis – who has often said the Government “hounds” him – appeared in a Mississippi federal courtroom Thursday wearing shackles and a Johnny Cash T-Shirt and denied any wrongdoing.  An affidavit released by the Department of Justice quotes Curtis’ not-so-much Love Letters to Obama, Sen. Roger Wicker (R-Miss.) and the judge as saying: “Maybe I have your attention now even if that means someone must die.”

The letters never made it to the hands of the president or his other intended targets.  After the Anthrax letters of 2001 the mail started going to an off-site facility to be sorted.  Before being marked Return to Sender, the letters were flagged as suspicious and handed over to the FBI.

According to authorities, the Faux Big E has a Suspicious Mind, claiming unknown forces blew up his car, interfered in his personal relationships and rigged Elvis impersonation contests. His rants seem to stem from 2001, when, as a cleaner hired by a morgue, he claims to have found bags of body parts, including a severed head. After reporting his discovery to authorities, Curtis came to believe he was made a “person of interest where my every move was watched and videotaped”.

In a strange twist, Senator Wicker told reporters at the Capitol on Thursday that he had met and briefly spoke to this Hound Dog at a party he had hired him to entertain at a decade ago.

The Faux-E

The Faux-E

“He’s an entertainer”, the Senator said. “He’s an Elvis Impersonator.  He entertained at a party that my wife and I helped give for a young couple that was getting married.  He was quite entertaining”.  He went on to say “A number of couples gave a party and he was the entertainer.  We kicked in on our share”.

Curtis might need a Good Luck Charm to help him get out of this T-R-O-U-B-L-E.  He may have done it His Way, but he faces two charges on accusations of threatening President Obama and the others.  If convicted he’s going Way Down, facing up to 15 years in the Federal Heartbreak Hotel.

Thank you.  Thank you very much.




Please Don’t Litter!

COLUMBIA, SC – A woman who, for unknown reasons, stripped down to her bra and panties during a news conference at South Carolina’s capital building was taken into custody last Tuesday morning.

The bizarre incident occurred around 11:45 a.m. during a news conference on the north steps of the State House promoting Palmetto Pride’s Zero Tolerance for Litter Campaign.

As one of the presenters was speaking, the woman appeared, dropped her clothes and purse and walked slowly toward those attending the event.

South Carolina Bureau of Protective Services officers escorted the woman away seconds after she approached.

Authorities identified the woman as 42-year-old Monica Dixon.  Dixon was charged with public disorderly conduct and transported to the Alvin S. Glenn Detention Center.  No word yet on pending indecency charges for parading around in public in pink ‘granny panties’.

Zero Tolerance for Litter is a statewide law enforcement initiative bringing officers from municipalities to state agencies together to focus on the importance of litter control enforcement.  By leaving her clothes and purse behind, Ms. Dixon was only adding to the problem which makes her protest all the more strange.


Mathis and Horowitz

Mathis and Horowitz

100% Chance of Beat-Down

EL PASO, TX – Longtime weatherman Mark Mathis’ girlfriend has been arrested for allegedly assaulting him after an argument.

Legal documents say celebrity chef Sara Horowitz (who finished 4th in season 2 of Hell’s Kitchen) spilled a cooler of food inside a car.   An argument between Mathis and Horowitz ensued and led to the cops being called.

Police say Horowitz punched and kicked Mathis, causing his glasses to break and scratching his face.

Horowitz has been charged with assault.  Mathis did not want to press charges, but according to Texas state law, prosecutors may choose to proceed in filing charges against someone accused of family violence.



Mark Mathis worked as an on-again-off-again anchor and weatherman in Charlotte at WCCB for several years.  He had a public struggle with alcohol and was more known for what he might say or do on the air.  Once he sang the forecast and once he did the weather dressed as Marilyn Monroe.

Horowitz claims to be Justin Bieber’s tour chef.  Baby, Baby, Baby … No – no word on whether the couple has reconciled.

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